Well...they weren't always happy times, but they were times...just like in real life, only we were Italian pumper brothers. Remember the time you jumped on my head, and I squished down real small and sent you hurtling into Icee? Man that Icee was a real cocksucker. And they could have called us 'bumper' bros. for the amount of times you 'bumped' me into Crabby, ya bastard. I couldn't count the times you'd get chased in absolute fear by raging angry turtles only to run into me and find out that when you push me, I can't move! Then you'd get nipped in the ass by the furious turtle, jump up in the air with this absoutely retarded expression on your face, then fall down into the water off screen. But somehow you'd always manage to hover back down from above on that magic platform ready for some more pumper action (how did that thing work anyway!? lol!) And don't get me started about the coins! Jesus you were greedy. Forget about the bonus levels!!! You would sooner have ate shit from the ass of Donkey Kong himself than ever let me have a measly coin. You'd stick your head in a turtles mouth to get one of those things. You were a selfish, greedy dick, but you know what...I loved you because you were my pumper brother.
In those days, people appreciated and respected two fat Italian mustachioed plumbers who worked for nuthin but a few pennies and a bite in the ass! But those days are long gone. Now everybody wants to shoot shit and drive around in a stupid piece of shit army vehicle.
So listen up Turoc, you can go fuck yourself with your fancy laser guns! All I need is my fist to bump, my foot to kick, and my pumper brother by my side! Oh, and by the way, TUROC, Don't call the Pumper Bros. when an angry crabby clogs up your shitter. MA MA MIA!
God Bless.
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